When I get a migraine headache, it begins with the aura: fortification hallucinations, holes in my vision, shrinking and darkening of the peripheral vision, strange perceptions of taste and smell, numbness of tongue, lips, cheek, fingertips, teeth, sometimes numbness of an entire side of my body. As it proceeds, I also experience transient aphasia; I have difficulty making myself understood. And then the headache …
Not all of it is horrible. For me, the aphasic stage is kind of funny. For the most part, I experience expressive aphasia which means the Broca area of the brain is temporarily compromised. I can understand words but have trouble formulating them in ways that make sense. Some stroke victims experience the same thing, but for them this is a significant challenge to overcome; some never entirely recover the capacity to make themselves understood. For a migraine person, the issue quickly resolves itself.
On two occasions as I feel the aura coming on, I’ve sat down with pen and paper to document my impressions. I’ve reproduced those episodes below, preserving the spelling exactly as I recorded it. They illustrate the progression from coherence to incoherence. They illustrate something else, as well, something I have tended to dismiss but which my writings clearly document and which others report as well: as I’m coming out of the aphasic stage, I experience a moment outside time and space, almost mystical, when my sense of my self becomes enmeshed in a sense of something larger than myself. It happens every time, compensation for an experience that is otherwise enormously disruptive.
April 9th, 2018
Migraine headache!
I should be trying to record my thought, self, righting, as I enter the aphasic stage. Right now it is a bit of a struggle to ensure coherence but I seem to be managing. But if I keep going, maybe it will turn to absolute blether. That would be funny. Right now, it’s mostly that my vision is off. I feel bady for Tamiko because I was going to look after dinner; she’s so busy & hasn’t time for me to be incapacitated. We could eat incapacotatoes.
My head feels puffy especially around the forehead, eyeballs, sinuses. An odd tingling of the nostrils but not as piquant as mint. My eyes feel eyecye iciei – fuck. icee cool now, like on a winter like just proken through. To the right of my immedial vision, things have turned a bit vague, but I’m not experiencing fortification halucinations. Only vagueness. I took an immitrex a while ago and it has a bitter taste that burns a bit in my throat. Clear and cool across the nostrils. Tightness across the eyes. Now my teeth feel loose & tingle when I breathe in and out. Or are they heavy & ready to fall out. I think I might cry. It’s strange how emotions well up.
My vision is narrow now, dark around the edges, a contracting field of vision. I experience a heightened sense of sould. Down below is the construction, banging away into the dust. Bang bang bang. And traffic & noises. Horns. And here in the unit the sould of the thing that holds the food but I can’t remember what it’s called anymore, where milk is kept, & juice. A rephrigerator. Refrigerator. The motor kept going. My lips have turned numb & the teeth are numb too. I write but my fingers are turning numb & it’s more coherent.
There are sensible sensations but they are harder to record. It grows more difficult to record the experience. Experience what is happination rather record it or name it. I feel a bit like I might throw up. Flowers. Animated. Whole works. Whorels. Trip tick. Dozens. Framework. Dozens of water bathtoabs tubs. Cockanuts. Coakanuts. ? Whatever. How did it happen? This flower burge. Cookanuts? Soop. Soap. The vegetable liquid you drink for super. Soup. there.
It’s getting better again. It only ever lasts a few minutes & then I start to recover my whatever. Kighberminiturer. Kightnermer. Fuck it. Signipher.
This is embarrassing. But funny. It would be worrisome if this were a permanent state of affairs, but it is temporary so I know I’ll snap out of it. I am getting netter even as I continue to record myself in the middle of my state of stupidity. I can feel myself returning to normal. Less & less shit & more & more my self. Isolated jaw, metashit shit coming together. I feel something not myself, not able to express myself. Too ex— whatever.
My throat. Gives my throat a passion display gives way to something else. Maybe throw up. There is something that declares itself and I am just a small part of a declaration that supersedes me. Greater than me. Something that is larger than me. The world around me looks clear enough but my words to account for it have all but vanished. For all I know, my perception of it all comes for an ancient view thousands of years old & all but lost in today’s world. I need to stop expressing my limited self & fall asleep.
August 17th, 2018
Migraine!
Was down at the gym on the treadmill (the bicycle was occupied) & had wrapped up my 5k run when I began to “see” a hole. Now I’m upstairs sitting at the dining room table dripping sweat & seeing fortification hallucinations in my periperal vision, squiggly electric lines. Took a squirt of imitrex & hope that helps. In the meantime, I may as well do as I did before & record the experience as it unfolds if for no better reason than that the result is good for a laugh after the fact.
What do I have to report so far? Sweat dripping from my forehead & cheeks. A feeling like cool blue steel pierce the back of my head, not painful, more anaesthetic. Sniffling from time to time because of the imitrex. Amusing; my parents will think the time is deliberately; we’re upposed to go to the Octagon for dinner do night. I’ll be great fun. At least it will be quiet there if I can stand the subway ride up. I see that I’m having a little trouble getting my words right. They’re not crazy yet; just more laborious.
I wouldn’t mind some lunch but I’m unable to make anything at the moment. My head hurts. My teeth are growing heavy & may fall out. The teeth at the front are the worst. I don’t want to cry; there’s no need for it. I hate the way things darken around the edges or disappear altogether. I’m drinking a can of coca cola. This is the longest time between migraine headaches since my first one when I was 11 yrs old. My nose is tingling now & wants to go its own way, like a travelling circus freak with a backpack & know particular plan. My right hand & forearm have grown numb. My lips & mustach are tingling & have a plan of their own. I ought to let them be. It’s difficult for me to entertain some semblance of sense in all of this. There is an odour which permeates everything, a musky scent which is not unpleasant but which does not belong to the situation, like it’s been allowed to fill the room surreptitiously in such a way that only I can smell it.
My brow has turned could. Cold? How do you spell it. Christ, my head is turning to mush, spelling obvoiling, mushing, mushialled. I sure singe oathy I wouldn’t a drink & lunch but how that works is problematide yes? problematic? that looks better. Whatever was affecting my teeth has continued to expand its reach to affect a lot of my gum & tongue etc & my fingers on my right hand are turning into tingly mush along with my tongue. There’s a magicness to it. I wish there was something more sensible to it other than being useless. Hey, look at my brilliance or something. But no. It’s just drivel. I realize that the smell is the smell of butter & corn except that there is no butter or corn. It’s just a smell in my head. Iron head something documentary something or other — christ. I should really have a shower. I should stablize myself. People popular butt universal x-ray popular-business-xexray natural – whatever.
I’ve lost my words. What’s going on? It happens, but I don’t have the names for it. I could be a million miles away. I need to be more than I am. I’m a piece of the distance.
