Writings, Reviews, Cultural Criticism
Mohammed had been sitting outside on a rock for about a thousand years when Youssef pushed his way from the tent to join his brother. For nearly a hundred years, Mohammed had been waiting on the rock while Youssef deflowered virgin number seventy-two, taking her every-which-way his imagination would allow.
Norm and I had been on vacation when Ed across the road from us took his spell or whatever it was he took that ended up killing him and left poor Thelma all alone in that big old house of hers. So, on account of us being in Wichita Falls at the time, Norm and I never had a chance to console Thelma or even bring her a casserole until three weeks after the fact.
If you’re gonna rat me out to my boss then you can just go fuck yourself. And besides … there’s no way on god’s green earth I’ll ever tell you what I’m doin’ home on a weekday watchin’ the Maury show. Oh ya, there’s Springer too.
It was the best of busts; it was the worst of busts, the day I took down Tony Sarducci.
Although the Swedes aren’t known as a warlike people, the marketing department had launched their latest campaign with military precision. They softened the beachhead – in a manner of speaking – by deliberately leaking all kinds of rumours that exploded like mortar shells in the trenches of America.
I’ve lived in this neighbourhood for nearly ten years now. Not alone, of course; I have the requisite wife with her weekly manicure appointments, and the requisite dog with her poufy tail, and the requisite two point four children. Two of the children are easy to find.
Doctor Horvath motioned for Jack to take a seat by the round, low coffee table while he settled himself in a swiveling chair in front of the bare desk, and then he turned to face Jack while resting his right elbow on the desk.
Egyptologists give one another special names. It’s one of those things we’ve always done. So John calls me Ikky (which is short for Ikhnaten) and I call him Akky (which is short for Akhenaten) and when people see the two of us together they say: “Hey! There goes Ikky and Akky.”
Being the environmentally conscientious sort that I am, I went out to WalFart and bought myself a new push mower. Besides helping to reduce gas emissions, it’s good exercise running up and down the lawn with a push mower. Plus it doesn’t do a half bad job of cutting the grass.
It’s not like Otis Garvey is snooty. I don’t think he’s snooty at all. But he wears a plastic optimism that reminds me of an evangelist who smiles and grins and says it’s a lovely day even when the hailstones are chipping the paint off his car. So it gave me a secret satisfaction to watch Garvey open the letter from Nigeria and read it with a serious look on his face.
It’s amazing how different a bus ride can be depending on the time of day and the day of week. Ride the bus in the morning on a week day and it’s full of tired students on their way to high school and sober-looking grownups on their way to work.
I kin heah Jeb comin’ from a million miles away—or at least I kin heah his ATV. I’m standin’ jus’ in from the road when he come out from the cornstalks agrinnin’ ‘n’ awavin’ like a fool, him with his dawg, Gopher, runnin’ behind.
Frank liked his new computer. His son Jimmy bought it for his 65th birthday. It came fully loaded—and with all the peripherals to boot. It had a fast CPU and a big flatscreen monitor. You could listen to music or watch a movie on it, scan pictures, run them off on a nice colour printer, record your voice, chat on the webcam. It was a real beauty.
When I answered the phone, a nondescript male voice asked for mister Winter. I said he was out and asked if the caller cared to leave a message. The nondescript male voice gave a name and said he was calling from Factory Casket Wholesalers. He understood a need had arisen in mister Winter’s household.
The cop motions me over to the curb in front of number twenty-two. He’s a funny-looking creature in a Kevlar shell whose precise movements give the impression he’s still doing drills at the police academy. He skitters to the car as I roll down the window.