I don’t know what I like more about Toronto’s fire hydrants, the fact that they’re yellow, or the fact that they look like little people standing there with their stubby arms stuck out at their sides. They remind me of Oompa Loompas only they’re not orange, they don’t sing, and they just stand there (as far as I know).
Certain fire hydrants suffer from performance anxiety, praying each time they hear a siren that the fire truck doesn’t pull up in front of them: “Oh please don’t stop. Please don’t stop. The last time a fire truck stopped here, I pissed a river and had a bladder infection for three weeks.” I expect some of them can’t stand the pressure and resort to substance abuse. It can be especially hard if they’re isolated and don’t have the support of a solid community network. Sometimes it’s a damn shame to see what happens to them. Even the chance to chat with a stray fire extinguisher can be a comfort.
Other hydrants pass their days in quiet suburban communities, living without a care to a ripe age. I don’t know which is better, living a long uneventful life, or enjoying the excitement of a busy downtown street, but cracking up after your career has barely started. I suppose this is a question for the philosophers. City authorities are always eager to trot out fresh talent, but no one ever talks about where the decommissioned has-beens go to pass their final days. Construction workers whisper about such things under their breath, afraid they might upset the older hydrants, but maybe forthright honesty would be healthier.
Another matter that should never be minimized is the demoralizing effect of serving as a pissing post for everybody’s pet dog. One would think that hydrants are entitled to a certain measure of personal dignity, but not according to dog owners. There are hydrants who experience no anxiety whatsoever in connection with their vocation who nevertheless go to pieces because cumulative years of canine urinary abuse are too much to bear. There are no words.
Finally, a few words about the difficult matter of diversity. One would think that in a city renowned for its vibrant diversity, homogenous hydrants would be a thing of the past. But that is not the case. As far as I am aware, there are, at this time, no plans to introduce hydrants of colour into the mix. Dated hiring practices remain firmly entrenched in a colonial mindset.
