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Meat
Every year, our street hosts a neighbourhood barbeque. We close off the cul-de-sac end of the street – down by the Jeffries – and set up two or three big grills for the meat. There’s a clown and games and face-painting for the kids, and there’s beer and fifty-fifty draws and Alice Kramden’s craft table [...]
Continue reading...The FCC
6. May 2009
If you click on the little audio thingy, you can listen to a story about the Federal Communications Commission or FCC (pronounced “fuck”). If you want to learn more about the FCC, read below, otherwise, click my thingy and enjoy, though I have to warn you that the story’s use of expletives is more than [...]
Continue reading...Marking Boundaries
30. April 2009
I set out on my morning walk with the dog – the same routine as always (what other kind of routine is there?) – pee on the front lawn by the road (the dog, not me), first by the granite boulder on the east side of the lot, then by the pole that supports the [...]
Continue reading...Griefbot Inc.
23. March 2009
Project: Hughes, Edward Interview: 0031957 (Voice Calibration) Interviewer: Ginsberg, Alan So ya, man. Name? Hughes. Ya. Ted. So ya, man, I worked on the GB20 design team. You owe me. You owe me big time. In fact, you guys should be on your knees kissing the ground we walk on. We hit a veracity factor [...]
Continue reading...The Incredible Shrinking Zombie
16. March 2009
I had forgotten to take my meds again – not just a one time thing, but an “Oh shit” sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach when I saw a full bottle of pills sitting on the window sill above the kitchen sink and realized a whole month had passed me by and still [...]
Continue reading...Lessons From An Aphasic Priest
19. January 2009
The gavel came down with a crack, which surprised me, because I thought that courts didn’t use real gavels anymore. I thought gavels were symbols of office, for decoration only, like a captain’s sextant or a priest’s bible. But there it was – a sharp stroke against the wooden desk that sounded in my head [...]
Continue reading...Beautiful Losers
23. December 2008
You know how the song goes: “When you’re in love with a beautiful woman, it’s hard….” That’s how I’ve always felt with Suzanne. I try to hide it, but there are times when my insecurities emerge low in my viscera and refuse to go away. We’ll be at a dinner party and I’ll glance across [...]
Continue reading...Seventy-Two
16. December 2008
Mohammed had been sitting outside on a rock for about a thousand years when Youssef pushed his way from the tent to join his brother. For nearly a hundred years, Mohammed had been waiting on the rock while Youssef deflowered virgin number seventy-two, taking her every-which-way his imagination would allow. In the sand at his [...]
Continue reading...The Dessicator
25. November 2008
Norm and I had been on vacation when Ed across the road from us took his spell or whatever it was he took that ended up killing him and left poor Thelma all alone in that big old house of hers. So, on account of us being in Wichita Falls at the time, Norm and [...]
Continue reading...Couch Surfer
25. November 2008
If you’re gonna rat me out to my boss then you can just go fuck yourself. And besides … there’s no way on god’s green earth I’ll ever tell you what I’m doin’ home on a weekday watchin’ the Maury show. Oh ya, there’s Springer too. And I’m praisin’ the lord god almighty for inventin’ [...]
Continue reading...Give Peace a Chance
10. November 2008
It was the best of busts; it was the worst of busts, the day I took down Tony Sarducci. There was once a time when we had such hopes for the man. It was nearly ten years ago now that he made the announcement. “I’m goin’ clean,” he said. Even the papers picked it up. [...]
Continue reading...Yeskia 9mm
4. November 2008
Although the Swedes aren’t known as a warlike people, the marketing department had launched their latest campaign with military precision. They softened the beachhead – in a manner of speaking – by deliberately leaking all kinds of rumours that exploded like mortar shells in the trenches of America. The result was buzz. The air crackled [...]
Continue reading...Public Waste
24. October 2008
I’ve lived in this neighbourhood for nearly ten years now. Not alone, of course; I have the requisite wife with her weekly manicure appointments, and the requisite dog with her poufy tail, and the requisite two point four children. Two of the children are easy to find. They each have a bedroom on either side [...]
Continue reading...Everlasting Gobstoppers
14. October 2008
Willy Wonka loves the Oompa-Loompas and they love him back. You see, they’re funny looking: they’re short and have orange skin, with rotten teeth and bad breath, and they sing the damnedest song. The first time he ever saw them, Willy’s heart brimmed with compassion. It was a sordid business, off-loading kegs from the local [...]
Continue reading...Jack the Giant Killer
14. October 2008
Doctor Horvath motioned for Jack to take a seat by the round, low coffee table while he settled himself in a swiveling chair in front of the bare desk, and then he turned to face Jack while resting his right elbow on the desk. He tore a marked page from his pad (with the logo [...]
Continue reading...New eFiction from David Allan Barker
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29. July 2009
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