nouspique.com » From the Drainpipe

Canadiana Vinyl Asbestos Planks

David Barker — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:56:45 +0000

While searching through memorabilia, I found a magazine the hospital staff gave my mother when I was born (© 1959 by J.S. Hunt Publications Limited). The first item inside the front cover is a syrupy verse titled “God’s Masterpiece.” Yup, that’s me.

The magazine is full of ads for all the latest products a responsible young parent will need to raise a new family. At right is an ad for Canadiana Vinyl Asbestos Planks. Click the image to embigger it. The “Newest idea in decorating …” and “Now in 12 mellow shades!” Ideal for nurseries. Yes, you can have tiles, “but PLANKS are new, new, NEW — and oh so much fun to choose and use!”

I try to imagine what it must have been like for my mother when I was born — or any new mother in the early 60’s. She was younger than most mothers are today. Raised on a farm, new to the city, she was remarkably inexperienced. No doubt she was anxious to do things right, otherwise I might end up being mentally defective, or physically deficient, or I’d catch weird diseases that could have been prevented if only my mother had been more attentive to my needs. In other words, my mother was ripe to be exploited. That was the sole purpose of the magazine. The line about being “God’s Masterpiece” was a bit of flattery to soften up an untapped market — the anxious new mother.

“Your baby deserves the best … an individual Carnation formula”

“Generations of healthy Pablum babies can’t be wrong!”

“Why shouldn’t mother (to-be) choose a baby carriage the way father chooses a car?”

“Baby clothes are the most important clothes you’ll ever buy!”

“McCormick’s Sunwheat biscuits help build strong bones, sound teeth!”

“First shoes are the most important.”

“She is feeding me FRESH MILK ‘Lots of Mothers are as smart as Mine’”

“How bleach helps you prevent diaper rash.”

“Twice as many mothers use Bayswater DIAPERASH Ointment”

“New Anti-bacterial DIAPER PURE stops diaper rash before it starts!”

“Baby’s Own: The duck that cares for babies and children”

“Revolutionary New Nipple”

“Dryceet: The Miracle Diaper Liner”

We may look back and roll our eyes at some of this advertising — especially the asbestos planks — but it’s surprising how little things have changed in fifty years. We continue to market mercilessly to young mothers. Yet our cribs are subject to huge recalls. Toys from China are coated in lead-based paints. Doubt around the efficacy of breast feeding continues to be encouraged by the food industry. And, of course, more young parents own cars than in the 60’s. We know full well that cars are more hazardous to our children’s health than asbestos products (without even considering the long-term global environmental impact of car use), yet we continue to own cars.

Without advertising, much of our culture would disappear. Almost all television programming is financed by advertising. Almost all magazine-writing is financed by advertising. Most web sites either are advertising or are financed by advertising.

Our culture IS advertising. That is its hallmark. Without it we wouldn’t know who we are. We wouldn’t know how to imagine ourselves.

Advertising is an anxiolytic, like Valium or Rivotril. By heeding the advice in the advertising she reads, the anxious mother reassures herself that she is a responsible person. It calms her nerves. It sounds to her a soothing voice. She can mask the not-knowing, the pernicious emptiness that would follow if she had to rely on her own instincts.

July 20, 2010

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Photos from Day of Action for Civil Liberties

David Barker — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 23:54:03 +0000

Saturday July 10, 2010 – Day of Action for Civil Liberties. People in cities across Canada gathered to show concern for conduct of politicians and the ISU (i.e. police) during the G20 Summit in Toronto. In addition to showing solidarity with those still imprisoned, they call for an independent inquiry. For me, the highlight came when I passed a man standing beside a scooter and honking his horn while giving protesters the finger. People laughed and told him they were marching to help preserve his right to give them the finger. That’s the point. Democracy is a messy business that creates space for people to express contrarian views without fear. The state cannot step outside the law when administering it — even when it acts against those who have acted unlawfully — otherwise the state allows fear to taint its actions. Fear is the test.

A friend thanked me for posting some of my photos of facebook. It made her feel like she was there even though she was too afraid to go herself. As long as people feel afraid to express their disapproval in public, the state has failed in its fundamental obligation to its citizens — to preserve the conditions in which people can live without fear. A little glass-smashing is insignificant next the damage the authorities have done.

[View with PicLens]

Rally to Demand Inquiry into Actions Concerning G20

David Barker — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 13:44:56 +0000

I celebrated Canada Day by engaging in the highest form of patriotism which, according to Howard Zinn, is dissent.

When it comes to laws passed in secret, which are not published in the Ontario Gazette until after the period they are in force, I dissent.

When police misinterpret the application of those laws, then, upon discovering their mistake, fail to disabuse the public because it is convenient to have the public believe it is subject to laws that don’t exist, I dissent.

When it comes to kettling people, indiscriminate (mass) arrests, beating detainees, I dissent.

When it comes to statements suggesting that a little bit of Charter violation is necessary for the good of all, I dissent.

To express my dissent, I went down to Queen’s Park to join a rally calling for an independent inquiry into actions taken during the G20 – actions by individual police officers, police chief Bill Blair, the G20 ISU (Integrated Security Unit), CSIS, Mayor David Miller, Premier Dalton McGuinty & PM Stephen Harper.

Protesters included the father of two children who were arrested and beaten during the kettling at Queen & Spadina. The son took video which can be viewed here.

Also present was my friend, Gretta Vosper, whose son Izaak was trapped in another kettling incident. Izaak was showing the boot-shaped bruise on his abdomen. Since their appearance at the rally yesterday, Gretta and Izaak have been featured in the Toronto Star. You can read Izaak’s account here. For a flavour, here’s a sample:

we walked by a few civilians who were in the entrance to their apartments recording the scene (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy-KYijCGtY @ 2:00) i yelled to them that “they stepped on my face and i did nothing” the police officer dragging me told me to “shut the fuck up or else”. we got back to spadina and he sat me down on a curb beside the man who had been arrested before me. he took down my information and took all my possessions. i managed to lift up my shirt a bit to see the brutal gash on my hip. i asked for medical attention to which the yellow jacketed officer responded “i hope your cut gets infected”. appalled, and already crying, i asked for his badge number. he told me to go fuck myself. not wanting to provoke him i simply glared at him. he told me that if i didnt stop looking at him he would “kick me in the chest again.” this was not only a threat, it was a confirmation he had partaken in my beating. prior to my photo being taken the officer filling out the white board for my mugshot asked the officer in the yellow jacket his badge number, it was “8056″. i repeated this number in my head for the next hour at least. i was put in the back of a court services truck in a black compartment that was cold, metal, and had no window. i was in excruciating pain, i was crying, and i was bleeding. I stayed in this compartment for three hours of driving and stopping.

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July 02, 2010

G20 Summit Protests in Toronto

David Barker — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 03:50:53 +0000

We (my wife and I) went down to the planned protests at Queen’s Park. It was moving to witness all the different concerns/causes/stories/sufferings people brought into this public space. There were trade unions like CAW and CUPE. There were people protesting political oppression – speaking for Viet Nam, Tibet, Turkey, Gaza, Iraq, etc. People like Craig Kielberger speaking for children’s rights. Maternal rights. Communists. Anti-capitalists (not necessarily the same thing). Greenpeace.

From Queen’s Park, people — thousands and thousands of people — marched south to Queen Street. Along the way, Tamiko and I stopped in at the Timmy’s beside 52 Division for something hot to drink. There was a line for the bathroom. Two cops entered and went to the front of the line and made everybody else wait. They went together! I guess they’re not allowed to pee alone.

From 52 Division, we went south along University Ave. past the American Consulate which was heavily guarded. But nothing was happening and the guards were bored, so they were mugging for the cameras. We turned left at Queen Street, but at Bay St. it was my turn to answer nature’s call, so I ducked into another Timmy’s. When I was done, my wife motioned me to hurry up and get the hell out. A crowd was swarming east from York Street, lots of cameras at the front, people dressed in black behind. They were carrying red “No One is Illegal” signs. They turned south down Bay Street, smashing windows, and lighting something on fire. If I didn’t have to pee, think of all I would have missed.

Rather than following them, we went up Yonge Street, then ducked into the Eaton Centre, thinking we’d make our way north to the Dundas Subway station. By the time we got there, Security personnel had locked down the Eaton Centre, so we grabbed a bite to eat, calmed ourselves, then exited onto Dundas Street. Heading north up Yonge Street, we saw that the Black Bloc protesters had already made their way up Yonge Street, smashing the windows of American Apparel, Swiss Chalet, a jewelry store, the Zanzibar strip club. We could see the mob further north. When we passed de Boer’s and its broken windows (I wonder if they thought it was de Beers instead of a furniture store?), people started running south towards us, so we ran along the alley on the south side of de Boer’s and behind College Park. From there, we walked north on Bay Street past Bloor St. because we had heard that subways weren’t running south of Bloor Street. After a much need detour to the LCBO, we hopped the subway at Summerhill and got out of there.

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June 26, 2010

Updates: Pride Toronto, Bill C-32, Kobo, Apple Censorship

David Barker — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 21:28:18 +0000

A bunch of my posts need updates and rather than create a lot of little posts, I’m “batch-processing” them.

Pride Toronto and Anti-Israeli Apartheid protesters.

On June 8th, I had posted a piece on Pride Toronto’s decision to ban Anti-Israeli Apartheid protesters from Pride Week events. The Toronto Star reports that Pride Toronto’s board has reversed its decision to ban the phrase “Queers against Israeli apartheid.” The group of the same name will be able to participate in Pride Week as long as it signs and abides by the City of Toronto’s Non-Discrimination Policy.

Bill C-32, Canada’s Copyright Modernization Act

Heritage Minister, James Moore, was caught saying that the only people who oppose the proposed copyright legislation are “radical extremists.” He has been criticized for polarizing debate and, in effect, warning the public that debate is pointless in any event. As I pointed out in my initial look at Bill C-32, there are legitimate concerns around the issue of anti-circumvention provisions which appear to undermine the whole thrust of what is otherwise a decent piece of legislation. See commentary from Cory Doctorow on Boing Boing and Michael Geist.

Kobo eReader’s scalable font issue

In my review of Kobo eReader and in a later discussion, I had pointed out that if you purchase epub books from vendors other than Kobo, font resizing doesn’t always work. There are ways around this, of course, but only for epub books that aren’t protected by digital locks. Kobo has since announced a soon-to-be-released firmware update that will address this and other issues. Read more about it on Kobo’s official blog.

Apple reverses censorship decision

On June 10th, I reported that when the creators of Ulysses Seen, a comic version of James Joyce’s novel, applied to Apple for approval of their app, Apple refused because the comic includes full frontal nudity. Following considerable public outcry, Apple reversed its decision, allowing an app which will permit the work to be viewed on iPhone and iPad.

Mosquito teen repellant must be banned

Way back in October of 2006, I posted a piece about the “mosquito ringtone.” It’s a high-frequency sound which teens can detect but which older people can’t hear owing to a natural deterioration of hearing which occurs as people age (presbycusis). It had been developed to keep teens from loitering around convenience stores. Well, according to the Guardian, the European Council has declared that it must be banned in Britain because it is “degrading and discriminatory” to youth.

10 Images that would get your Apple App Banned

David Barker — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 18:33:08 +0000

With Apple’s refusal to approve apps which display even a smidgen of nudity, I got to thinking about what kinds of images would get your app excluded from the sanitized and Disneyfied world of Apple. What about an app that promotes women’s health by instructing women on how to conduct a self-examination for breast cancer? Would instructional images fall foul of Apple’s standards?

Or what about religious images? What about the work of Michelangelo which adorns the Sistine Chapel? You know, the place where the Roman Catholic church’s cardinals meet to select the Pope? The place that’s decorated with all that filth and porn? If you look closely at the picture below, you’ll notice that Adam’s starting to get a hard-on.

I can understanding banning an image like this 1547 engraving by Sebald Beham. It portrays Judith with the head of Holofernes. Nudity and violence together in the same image! May God protect my eyes.

Or what about images of gallantry, like John Everett Millais’ The Knight Errant who rescues the damsel in distress? Of course it’s obscene, but more for being a piece of romantic goo than for its nudity.

Or the portrayal of a simple act of romantic love? e.g. August Rodin’s The Kiss.

Or reclining nudes, like this one by Frans Koppelaar? Surely the mere sight of this would corrupt children and the dim-witted and would rend a permanent tear in the social fabric.

One of my fears is that the Apple standards represent the further spread of a chilling effect upon the organic process by which we engage questions around the nature of art, the relationship we have both to our bodies and more generally to the physical world, and they way in which our identity is wrapped up in matters of gender and sexuality. If we never skirt near the boundaries of this ongoing conversation, then the conversation proves largely useless. Take, for instance, this photo by Robert Mapplethorpe.

I don’t know about you, but I think the story of Apple’s newfound Victorian scruples is a Weird Tale.

Apple, get a life.

June 12, 2010

World’s Oldest Shoe Discovered in Armenian Cave

David Barker — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 23:44:36 +0000

Scientists excavating in an Armenian cave discovered a size 7 right shoe that is 5,500 years old. The New York Times reports that the shoe was found by doctoral student, Diana Zardaryan, who said “But when I took it out, I thought, ‘Oh my God, it’s a shoe.’ To find a shoe has always been my dream.” I guess that would be my dream too if I dug in caves for a living. Scientists are now trying to decipher the meaning of a strange marking they discovered on the side of the shoe. They speculate that it might be some kind of pagan symbol.

June 11, 2010

America’s Next Top Stick Person

David Barker — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 13:11:01 +0000

Apparently there’s this show on TV, hosted by Tyra Banks, which celebrates eating disorders in America. I’d love to watch it sometime, but it’s only on during my designated times when I lock myself in the bathroom and make myself puke into the toilet. It’s this after-dinner ritual I have.

The standard criticism of these shows is that they encourage young women to obsess in unhealthy ways about their physical appearance. But I don’t think that’s what happens anymore because most young women — contestants and viewers alike — understand that appearance is infinitely manipulable in a digital world. More than anything, shows like this encourage young women (and men) to become fame whores in a world that’s engineered on a model of Darwinian politics — survival of the whoriest.

June 10, 2010

Helen Thomas crash and burn

David Barker — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 19:33:01 +0000

Poor Helen Thomas — and I mean that most sincerely. I hate to see a long and distinguished career come to a crashing end as the result of an injudicious remark that leads to media crucifixion.

According to JTA, it went down like this. What’s remarkable is that she had the bad judgment to make her statements on video to a rabbi.

Thomas was asked by Rabbi David Nesenoff on May 27 if she had “any comments on Israel.”

“Tell them to get the hell out of Palestine,” she said.

Nesenoff, who was attending the first Jewish American Heritage Month event at the White House, asked where Jews should go.

“Go home,” Thomas said. Asked to elaborate, she said: “Poland, Germany and America, and everywhere else.”

One of the problems with the Thomas remark is that it butts heads not only with Israel, but also with a bigger question about colonialism. Despite its geographic location in the Middle East, Israel is undeniably a Western country and shares with other Western countries the fact that its founding could not have occurred without the displacement of other people. In that respect, Thomas has much in common with the average Israeli. Her story has more in common with the colonisers than the colonised. On her own logic, she ought to get the hell out of America.

The problem is that children of immigrants (Thomas is the daughter of Lebanese immigrants) often have no place to go. For example, where would I go if I were told to leave Canada? My family hasn’t been in Britain since King James commissioned a new translation of the Bible. Somehow I doubt the U.K. would feel much compunction to take me back. While Canada is my home, I have no absolute claim to this fact. Nor, I think, does anyone in respect of the land they call home. Not even those who were here first.

We all take our land on loan, then give it back when we’re done. Or more accurately: we all are on loan from the land, and it takes us back when it’s done with us. The insistence on ownership of land can be understood as a way in which we express our denial of death. In collective terms, isn’t that Israel’s greatest fear? Not simply that it will be driven from its land — but that it will be driven from it unto death?

Maybe it’s this relationship between land and mortality that accounts for the media storm that has engulfed Thomas since she opened her big mouth.

June 08, 2010

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Bill C32 – Copyright Modernization Act and DRM

David Barker — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 03:31:24 +0000

The conservatives said they were going to introduce new copyright legislation within six weeks. That was back on May 05, 2010 and true to their word, they introduced Bill C32 – the Copyright Modernization Act on June 2nd. They’ve even created a special domain, http://www.balancedcopyright.gc.ca/, to sell the idea to average Canadians. If you’re having trouble getting to sleep, you can read the text of the statute here.

As the new domain name suggests, the responsible Ministers (Tony Clement and James Moore) are touting the proposed legislation as an effort to balance competing interests. I haven’t looked in depth at it, but a cursory glance seems to confirm this. In a video called “Flawed But Fixable,” Michael Geist offers a good summary of the changes and why, for the most part, Bill C32 is a good piece of legislation.

The problem with the Bill is that, for all the benefits it offers, they are utterly undermined by the section dealing with “Technological Protection Measures and Rights Management Information” (aka DRM or digital locks). If I’m dealing with an open epub novel or music on a typical CD, the Bill will grant me expanded fair use provisions, it will let me to make back-up copies, it will let me sample music, parody the original work, all without fear of liability. But if, in order to engage in any of these lawful activities, I have to circumvent a “technological protection measure,” then I’m suddenly breaking the law despite my good intentions.

The prohibition is absolute: “No person shall circumvent a technological protection measure …” To my mind, it would have been more balanced if it had read: “No person shall circumvent etc. if, as a consequence of circumventing etc. the person engages in copyright infringement as set out in sections … “ One can only wish. Nevertheless it’s interesting to note a few finer points. First, circumvention is allowed where the sole purpose is to determine whether the device being circumvented is forwarding private user information to third parties. Second, circumvention is allowed in a few circumstances like making the device usable for people with perceptual handicaps. Third, the Bill seems to contemplate that the entitlement to a remedy rests solely with the copyright holder.

To my mind, this third point raises a question about jailbreaking devices like iPhones and iPads. Let’s do a little thought experiment here. Suppose I jailbreak an iPhone that has no music or videos and no apps on it. Can Apple still seek a remedy? Would it base its claim on the copyright it holds in the iPhone’s OS? If I jailbreak the iPhone (by tinkering with its OS) for private purposes, there is no violation of Apple’s copyright in the OS, and yet the fact of copyright ownership itself triggers my liability (for legitimately tinkering with Apple’s OS). Isn’t this a form of bootstrap reasoning?

Let’s take a step back. I know that many of my readers are non-technical people who may be wondering what this is all about.

What is jailbreaking anyways?

Many devices are “locked” which means that you can use those devices only with certain operating systems, apps, plug-ins, whatever. We’re used to an unlocked world. If you buy a PC, but you don’t like Microsoft products, you can install Linux instead. If you like Apple hardware but prefer the Vista OS, you can install Vista on your iMac. Why you would want to do such a thing, I don’t know, but you can. But if you have Apple’s iPhone, the only apps you can run on it are those apps pre-approved by Apple and which you purchase through iTunes. Learn more about jailbreaking.

So what’s an app?

An app is a third party application which expands the functionality of mobile devices. e.g. you can get an app for your iPhone that can detect seismic activity, another that can turn your iPhone into a Paranormal State EMF meter, and an app that moos. But in order to ensure quality control, Apple has to approve them first. At least that’s the rationale. Apple then sells the approved apps on behalf of the third party developers and pockets 30% of the proceeds. The problem for Apple is that almost all apps end up “cracked” i.e. pirated versions end up proliferating on peer to peer sites and users then install them on jailbroken iPhones.

At the same time, there are good rationales for jailbreaking an iPhone. One is that you may not like Apple’s OS and would prefer to run Linux. You may want to treat an iPhone as a piece of hardware instead of an integrated hardware/OS unit. Or you may find yourself balking at Apple’s app monopoly. You may wish to run apps that haven’t passed Apple’s vetting process.

Obviously, Apple (and other manufacturers of mobile devices) has a strong incentive to ensure that users do not “unlock” its devices. Obviously, Apple (et al.) has a strong incentive to lobby governments to pass legislation which makes the practice illegal. There is the suggestion that the motivation for this provision comes from U.S. pressure or at least from Harper’s desire to kiss ass. Personally, I think there is less pressure from the U.S. government than from U.S. media giants and industry lobby groups like the MPAA and RIAA. It comes complete with a smear campaign alleging that Canada is a haven for pirates despite evidence to the contrary.

I find it puzzling that the Harper government has chosen to prefer the interests of a few large American corporations to the interests of average (voting) Canadians. Then again, this isn’t an unusual choice for Harper.

A final note: the inclusion of an anti-jailbreak provision creates a perverse incentive for media providers to implement “fake” DRM so that they can take advantage of the absolute prohibitions in Bill C32. By “fake” I mean that they can use the flimsiest tools at their disposal in order to appear to be digitally protecting content so as to obstruct otherwise legitimate uses of that content for commercial gain.

June 7th, 2010

Griffin Poetry Prize Winners Announced

David Barker — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 03:24:24 +0000

This evening marked the 10th annual Griffin Poetry Prize. Prizes were awarded to Eiléan Ní Chuilleanáin (international) for The Sun-fish and to Karen Solie (Canadian) for Pigeon.

Read the Griffin Trust’s press release here.

Learn more about Eiléan Ní Chuilleanáin here. And read a review of The Sun Fish in The Guardian.

Learn more about Karen Solie here. And read a review of Pigeon in the Globe & Mail.

June 03, 2010

Sean Stanley wins best foreign book trailer

David Barker — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 15:14:04 +0000

The Moby Awards are the creature of the MobyLives book blog by the Hoboken-based Melville House Publishing. They celebrate the best (and worst) in a growing book-publishing trend — the book trailer. If movies can have them, then why can’t books?

The award for best foreign book trailer went to Sean Stanley for a video he created to promote Etcetera and Otherwise: A Lurid Odyssey. It comes complete with cameos from Margaret Atwood, Leonard Cohen, Robertson Davies and Yann Martel, and gets rounded off with the decapitation of Michael Ondaatje. (Note: no authors were harmed in the making of this video.) I wrote a mini review of Etcetera and Otherwise last August. What I find surprising is that MobyLives didn’t mention Stanley’s previous book trailer which exhorted viewers to help a struggling author hire a sex-trade worker.

June 03, 2010

Margaret Atwood Acknowledges Mistake

David Barker — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 21:22:48 +0000

One of the most difficult things for a person to do is to admit when he’s wrong.

Last month I posted a piece about Margaret Atwood and the Dan David prize. People calling for boycott, divestment and sanctions against Israel in support of Palestinians trapped in Gaza had criticized Atwood for accepting the prize. I swallowed her rationale in one big gulp and came out defending her. I was wrong.

You can read my post here if you like, but it boiled down to the idea of nuance. As a poet and novelist, Atwood is in the nuance business. The highly polarized situation that pits a conservative Israeli government against a growing and international pro-Palestinian movement is anything but nuanced. It engages in “either you’re with us or you’re against us” rhetoric and plays games with Muslim and Jewish identity. A novelist has to eschew such crude rhetoric.

However, recent events throw concerns about nuance out the window. The IDF has released video footage of Israeli soldiers engaged in an illegal act (boarding non-Israeli ships in international waters) and then has the audacity to suggest that acts of legitimate defense by those on board the ships are, in fact, acts of aggression against the soldiers. There is no nuance here. This is taken straight from the George W. Bush playbook: even when the lie has been exposed, continue as if it were the truth and damn the consequences.

Even Margaret Atwood has acknowledged that she was wrong. It must have been tough for her to hear Naomi Klein speaking yesterday in Dundas Square, saying “And I also have words for famous writers who accept lavish awards and slam Palestinians for daring to ask them for a simple gesture of solidarity.” Here’s @MargaretAtwood’s tweet time-stamped 15:28 June 01, 2010 “Bet on Gov’t of Israel to act sanely, humanely, & in own best interests re: Gaza Aid Flotilla. Lost bet.”

What kind of a bet allows you to lose your bet and still walk away with half a million dollars?

Men like Vaclav Havel give poetry a good name by being both poets and consummate statesmen. Women like Atwood trample roughshod over poetry’s good works by approaching politics with all the nuance of a naive boob. She’s been played and I feel sorry for her. But not that sorry for her since she appears to be keeping the money.

And I’m sorry I got suckered by her rationale. Her words are true, but in a false sort of way. Wish someone would give me a half million dollars for being wrong.

G8 to share Deerhurst with Mosquitoes

David Barker — Fri, 28 May 2010 17:15:48 +0000

With the G8 leaders summit fast approaching (June 25th & 26th), security seems to be on everybody’s mind, but the biggest threat to the safety and comfort of world leaders will probably come in six-legged packages.

The G8 summit will be held at the Deerhurst Resort in Huntsville which is in the heart of the Muskoka region in Ontario. Eons ago, back in the days when Shania Twain was a showgirl there, my wife and I spent our honeymoon at Deerhurst. But that was at the end of the summer when black flies were pretty much gone and the mosquito population was waning. The G8 dudes are going at the tail end of black fly season and right at the very peak of the mosquito season.

Last weekend, we were up at Port Severn which is on the south end of Muskoka. Things were fine when there was a breeze and we were standing in the open by the water. But there was one morning in particular when I went for a hike to take photos … Mosquitoes the size of dogs came out and attacked me. It didn’t help that some A-hole had swiped my Deet. I ended up running — not jogging or trotting, but running — to get back indoors.

Although the mounties are supposed to provide security, I expect people like Obama will arrive with their own spooks to lend a hand. The thing about newcomers is, if they’ve never been exposed to Muskoka mosquitoes beforehand, they break out in humongous welts. Normally, I’d recommend the following measures:

a. wear lots of insect repellant;

b. wear lots of dull-coloured long-sleeved clothing;

c. stand in open spaces;

d. get the hell inside, especially at dusk.

Obama’s spooks can probably do a. and b. and sometimes c. But as for d., I expect some of them will be required to do sweeps of the surrounding bush. All I can say is: “Good luck.”

And to the mosquitoes: “Bon appetit!” (A porker like Stephen Harper should make a tasty treat.)

Writer’s Digest posts advice from Jerry Jenkins

David Barker — Wed, 19 May 2010 16:23:03 +0000

There’s a post on Writer’s Digest titled “8 Basic Writing Blunders” directed at writers of fiction. Pretty standard stuff: avoid clichés of one sort or another; don’t tell the reader what s/he’s supposed to think; don’t be all preachy; don’t use more than one coincidence to drive the plot. But notice who wrote the article: Jerry B. Jenkins.

You’ve gotta be shitting me! Jerry B. Jenkins? The Left Behind hack? Writer’s Digest is posting advice from one of the worst best-selling writers ever to kill a tree? The co-author of 4800 pages of pure cliché-ridden dreck?

Read my romp through the Glorious Appearing, the 12th installment in the Left Behind crap-fest. My post comes complete with a top-10 list of worst sentences. To whet your appetite, take a look at this gem: “What was happening on the dirt ramp and the wood stairs dwarfed mass tragedies due to fire in crowded buildings.”

The point of this post (I think) is that it’s hard to take Writer’s Digest seriously. A bigger point may be that how-to posts for writers are bullshit. For some reason I don’t understand, the yearning to be a writer makes people extraordinarily vulnerable. They become susceptible to all kinds of scams and silly know-it-all advice columns. Maybe it has something to do the need for acceptance.

The only thing I know for certain about the Jerry Jenkins post is that the man doesn’t practise what he preaches. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

May 19, 2010

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