This Week In Canada Eh
Here’s a wrap-up of all the news from the Great White North that’s fit to post for the week ending Friday March 5th, 2010.
The Winter Olympic Games Are Over
Environment Canada noted the sudden appearance of a warm air mass late Sunday afternoon when 35 million Canadians crapped themselves after Zach Parise of the U.S. men’s Olympic hockey team scored the tying goal which sent the U.S./Canada gold medal hockey game into overtime. This was followed by a second warm air mass – a huge sigh of relief when Sid the Kid Crosby scored the winning goal, giving Canada a gold medal for men’s hockey and giving Canada a record-setting 14 gold medals for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games. As soon as he scored, Crosby threw his gloves and stick in the air. Hockey Hall of Fame tried to retrieve the holy relics to store in its crypt, but the blessed articles mysteriously disappeared, perhaps ascending into hockey heaven on one of the four zambonis of the apocalypse.
The Holiday Is Over
After proroguing Parliament for more than two months, our esteemed leaders reconvened on March 3rd, opening the party with a throne speech delivered by our beloved toady-general, Michaëlle Jean. If you’re having trouble getting to sleep at night, you can read the text of the speech here. The focus of the speech was financial concerns. After spending itself into a $56 billion deficit, the Conservative government needs to think of ways to save money. That’s why it announced that it will double funding for the “Own The Podium” program so that Canada’s elite athletes will perform even better at the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London. As everybody knows, giving more money to the country’s elites is a well-tested recipe for solving financial problems. Harper has also announced a revision of Canada’s national anthem to a more gender neutral version. As everybody knows from his support of REAL women, our prime minister is deeply concerned about equality for women – especially white Christian women. When asked about the change, Industry Minister Tony Clement said: “The Prime Minister has heard from some Canadians on this.” Some? He’s heard from some Canadians? Which Canadians? The Canadians in his Cabinet? And what have the national anthem’s lyrics got to do with the Industry Minister’s portfolio? You can read the proposed revisions here.
It’s No-Homo For Immigration Study Guide
Citizenship and Immigration Minister Jason Kenney struck any reference to gay rights from a new study guide for immigrants applying for Canadian citizenship. According to Helen Kennedy, executive director of gay-rights group, Egale Canada, Kenney had told her the omission was an oversight and promised to fix it. Now, Kenney denies everything. The guide was getting too long, says an aide. It’s not meant to be encyclopaedic, so certain thing get included and certain things don’t. Important stuff stays in. For example, we learn that
- “French-Canadian militiamen helped defend Canada in the War of 1812.”
- Sir Leonard Tilley was inspired by the Bible’s Psalm 72 to describe this country as the Dominion of Canada.
- “More than 3,000 nurses, nicknamed “Bluebirds,” served in the Royal Canadian Army Medical Corps.”
- Canadian football is different from American football.
Want to learn more about this wonderful, generic, sexually nondescript country called Canada? Download a pdf copy of the new immigration guide, Discover.
Niqab Xenophobia Finally Reaches Canada
After years of feeling left out, Canada finally gets its own racist controversy around the Niqab, a traditional veil worn by some Moslem women as a sign of modesty. On Tuesday, CBC news posted the following headline: Niqab-wearing woman pursues Quebec college. Unfortunately, with all her clothing, she couldn’t run very fast and the college got away. This has become the rallying point for Canadian rednecks everywhere to scamper out into the light of day like rats squeezing up from the floorboards. The comment section of virtually every Canadian news agency website has been overrun with them. Typical comments suggest that if the woman can’t integrate with our way of life, then she should get the hell out. Uh … Integrate? This happened in Quebec, a province which stands as a reminder that anyone on Canadian soil has the constitutionally protected right NOT to integrate. Even if you choose to wear something as outlandish as lumberjack shirts, you are still allowed to stay in this country. Isn’t it ironic (as that annoying Canadian named Alanis Morisette would say) that all these beavertail eating, maple syrup slurping rednecks express their views while hiding behind the veil of anonymity which news websites provide to them. Maybe they’re all just modest.
RBC Posts 1st Quarter Profit
Canada’s largest bank and official sponsor of the 2010 Winter Olympics, the Royal Bank of Canada, reported first quarter earnings of $1.5 billion. Even so, this was lower than predicted and so share prices fell – shit, who am I kidding? I could care less about performance in the financial services sector. What I do care about is HOW the RBC earned its money. CBC News reports that RBC earned $132 million in fees raising capital for companies that operate in the Alberta Tar Sands. In fact, RBC has $16.9 billion in outstanding loans to those companies. So … Canada has one of the most stable banking systems in the world. Nevertheless, it maintains that stability on the back of the whole world. And the Olympic sponsorship? That was some of the dirtiest money the world has ever seen.
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Comments (2)
I love your sense of humor my man, I haven’t laughed this much in a long time!
I especially love your run-down of the hockey!
Have you ever read anything by Ian or Will Ferguson? 2 Canadian authors with a wicked sense of humor (http://www.willferguson.ca/index.html). They wrote a book called ‘How to be a Canadian’ which is fantastic – I think you’d like it!
I first encountered Beauty Tips From Moose Jaw in Scotland (naturally) sitting in Mark Johnstone’s bathroom.